how do i phrase this

I really don’t know what to say. It almost feels wrong to sit here and attempt to write another thing about what’s going on, and especially to write something that won’t be entirely new or particularly useful. However, I believe words are powerful. In a lot of ways, words are what got us to this…

Dead End Connections

College is a horrible place to meet people. I mean, yes, at college you’re surrounded by thousands of peers all living under similar circumstances and with similar goals in a way you never will be ever again and all, but still. The sort of relationships with other people that colleges foster are peculiar. Some people…

I’m Not Like the Others—and That’s a Lie

Last year, I didn’t want to write, so I posted photo after photo of the sky.”I haven’t moved beyond noticing this pattern to analyzing what it says about me,” I wrote. Today, I will move in that direction. Take a quick scroll through my Instagram or Camera Roll, and you’ll see landscapes, not people. Part…

Other Lives, Other Selves

It’s easy to forget that people have entire lives that don’t intersect with yours. It’s easy to watch your parents mold their lives around yours and forget they had jobs, other thoughts, and other people to occupy their time before you were ever born. It’s easy to see people on campus organizing clubs, completing academic…

Talking Body

Last year I wrote about understanding my body; the natural extension is to talk about understanding other people’s bodies. Unfortunately, this seems to be impossible. Health and sickness do not occupy everyone’s bodies the same way. There’s that friend who eats trash everyday and stays model-thin, and the one that eats painstakingly portioned salads and…

Can’t Fight This Feeling

I’ve felt off lately. Only this year, it’s not a scratchy throat and sniffly nose. It’s internal, a vast, cloudy feeling that’s been colonizing larger and larger tracts of my consciousness. Sometimes, it sends me on long walks through the glen or across empty fields, and other times, it leaves me lying in bed and…

Fragments

Poet, translator, essayist, and embodiment of my life goals Anne Carson is on campus this week, and yesterday I went to her Q&A. While talking about writing and inspiration, she described how she often has ideas of things she wants to write and then plays with form until she find their “home.” Some ideas are…

You Can Hold It Against Me: On Keeping Grudges

It’s a societal default to believe that grudges are bad. I’m not supposed to hold onto negativity. I’m supposed to remember that people change. That’s all well and good for small transgressions. The classmate that seemed rude may have just been shy. The friend that snapped at me may have just been tired. The boy…

I Should Drop My Routines Like a Bad Habit

Some people need help making routines; I need help breaking them. I have this nasty habit of seeing any aberration from my established schedule as a personal failure. For instance, last night I had to stay up late to finish an essay, and when I finally crawled into bed I set my alarm for later…

Stop Pursuing Happiness

When I wrote a list of things that would make me happy, I thought I was being lenient. I didn’t say I needed millions of dollars. I didn’t say I needed eternal love or a celebrity spouse. I didn’t even say I needed a job. All of my requests were simple things, like socks or…

When a Small School Feels Smaller (and smaller, and smaller…)

Last year I wrote about how much I loved going to a small (~2000 student) college. And while I still love the intimate environment that is the Small Liberal Arts College Experience, like with any mature relationship, my love has grown more nuanced over time. Like the way a person starts to notice her partner’s…

Year One

One year ago I needed to express myself. One year ago I felt my Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, my other online outlets of my visions and thoughts were too restricted. The choices I’d made while curating myself made each of them a site to view me from a specific angle–Rachel the socialite and tentative activist on…