Going Abroad with Anxiety

Students with a history of emotional disorders are advised to consider carefully joining the [program]. Such challenges are inevitably aggravated by the new demands and personal responsibilities of a foreign setting… Recent withdrawals from the Program for psychological reasons including breakdowns and panic attacks, attest to the fact that failure to heed this warning may…

Why I Spent My Birthday at the Hospital

It had a lot to do with the fact that my doctor only performs surgeries on Mondays, and my birthday happened to fall on a Monday this year.1 It also had a lot to do with the chronic pain I’d been experiencing for the past year. Ever since the Fall Break of my sophomore year,…

Recognition

I don’t know what sets it off. One minute I’m enjoying dinner with my friends, squished together in a booth in the dining hall, and the next I’m panicking. I need to leave. Right now. My heart starts beating faster as I’m struck with the thought that I need to be doing something else, anything…

Update

I’ve been off schedule with these blog posts for the past couple weeks, which means I can no longer pretend that everything is okay. I can no longer point to my timely publication of thoughts and say, “my life is a mess, but if I can make time to post something coherent each week, it…

Can’t Fight This Feeling

I’ve felt off lately. Only this year, it’s not a scratchy throat and sniffly nose. It’s internal, a vast, cloudy feeling that’s been colonizing larger and larger tracts of my consciousness. Sometimes, it sends me on long walks through the glen or across empty fields, and other times, it leaves me lying in bed and…

(I’m actually not doing fine)

If you just met me, you would think I have it all together. I attend a great college where I earn consistent grades, receive institutional support for research, participate in extracurriculars that line up with my interests, and work a couple jobs that feel rewarding rather than soul-sucking. I have no real need for the…

Insomnolence

My relationship with sleep is complicated. When we’re together, it’s great. I forget all of my troubles (real, exaggerated, or otherwise), I feel completely relaxed, and occasionally I hit the perfect amount of sleep and wake up feeling like a superhumanly energized (how I imagine yoga instructors to feel everyday). But most nights play out…

Parts of a Whole

Recently, I was half-watching a YouTube video while getting ready in the morning, as is my wont.* I hadn’t chosen it for any particular reason; it was just one of the videos on my subscription feed that seemed long enough to get me through putting on my makeup and sorting out my hair. It featured…

Brainpower

I have a confession: I have a superpower. It’s not as exciting as flying or laser vision, and it’s not powerful enough to save the world. It really only affects me, actually. You see, my superpower is my mind. And that power only works on my body. Sometimes, it’s a great gift. I’ve stopped runny…

The Next Best Stress Reliever (after food and puppies)

As I stand here, on the cusp of the last week of classes, with a veritable pile of tests and assignments standing between me and winter break, it occurs to me that now is the perfect time for a pep talk. And, since I have a blog (Is it time to start referring to myself…

Body Talk

Nothing gives one body autonomy quite like going to college and becoming the only one responsible for taking care of yourself. In the past year or so of trying to figure out what exactly I’m supposed to be doing with my body, I’ve done a lot of research. Google searches, health apps, and conversations with…

Getting Down with the Sickness

I have every right to be miserable. I’m sick, God dammit! I never get sick. I made it through my entire first year of college without catching the freshman plague, and now here I am, a bleary-eyed, sniffling, and clutching another mug of tea. What is this, some kind of sophomore slump? I’ve always been…